GRAVEDIGGER V

GRAVEDIGGER V

Sunday, September 16, 2012

" YOU GO NOW " !!! *** The joys of touring China - part 1

          The last tour that I did with "The Morlocks" was about a Year and a half ago . We had set up a Two Week tour of China. I just want to state for the record that I didn't have anything to do with that whole shenanigan.  It sounded cool at the time . Ima going to warn you beforehand, it may sound like I'm "bitching", but I'm not trying to do it in a mean spirited way mind you , but yeah ok, it's still "bitching" . . .  Oh where do I start? I'm going to skip the whole ( had to go to Madrid three times, my Wife trying to explain everything to Immigration authorities , the cost a cool 500euros, etc, etc etc) getting a Visa for China.
Chinese Car-Pool Lane
         So you may get a laugh from this or if your in a band, you can use this as kind of a "what to expect guide". For those of you who where sleeping during "History Class" or if you don't get out much I'll remind you that China is a Communist Country. There is no Gmail, Hotmail, Facebook, etc. . . You can get an account on the black market , you pay for a URL, or whatever it's called. So that means that there are no companies that rent Sprinters ( vans ) or backline equipment, or anything else that is required to tour. I mean I couldn't find a pack of "rolling papers" in the whole Goddamn Country. Seriously , I was told later the reason they don't have "rolling paper" or tabacco pouches is because the dollar goes along way in China, the Euro even more so. It will cost you about 50 cents for a pack of good cigarettes. So this means that you have to make your tour by Plane, Trains, Taxi, and motorized Rickshaw and Metro. China's population is 1, 344 , 130 , 000 which is really insane when you have to fight your way thru every train station . People for the most part in China don't really use the wait in line calmly method , more like a human stampede. You kind of feel like your at a "The Who" concert.And everybody is carrying or hauling mountains of boxes and carts , buckets of "live" fish , it's really amazing for like the 1st day of getting you feet stepped on like 200 times or run over.
Trying to find the rest of the guys in a train station
        
     So I adapted to the "I'll block you or run your ass over with my suitcase"technique". I had a really good suitcase heavy and it was the kind with four wheels. Remember we we're also hauling around guitars in hard cases, symbols, and other shit like chords and pedals , along with all our luggage. Man, that really sucked. When I say take a train , I don't mean like a 2 or 4 hour train ride, more like 10 to 14 hour train ride. The trains have these small cabins with a triple bunk bed on the left and on the right so it's supposed to accommodate 6 people . But you never get the whole crew in the same car, usually you all get separated in different cabins. I seemed to always get stuck in the one with the whole Chinese family , Grandma included , oh let's not forget the two roosters in a cage. Your basically stuck on your little bed. You can walk down a narrow hallway to the bathroom or the food cart. When I say "bathroom" i mean a wiggling , jiggling hole in the floor. The odor was so super nasty , The scent resembling like a dirty beavers den. I only took one poop on the train the whole two Weeks! I also fell of the very top bunk and fucked my back up one night. I was trying to climb down to go to guess where??? The bathroom!!! Yeah !!! Well in the middle of my "Spidey" decent the train jolted and I fell like 10 feet and hit my back on the corner of the bottom bunk. It fucking hurt so bad i was just sitting there in the dark , but then the 300 pound Chinese lady in the bottom bunk starting hitting me in the head with a rolled up news paper , like I was trying to sneak into her bunk or something , yea right. But with all the commotion Nic came over and helped me out. When your train arrives you have to disembark and that's a cluster fuck. Then you gotta figure out where to exit and then you have to find 3 taxis in a row or 3 of those Rickshaw things and you have to try and explain to all three drivers that they need to follow each other and also where your going. It takes 3 taxis for a group of 6 with guitars and luggage. And you have to try explain to them the directions and that always is a pain in the ass . They never follow each other , they just take off. Your like putting stuff in the third taxi and like the first taxi just takes off, and your like standing there "what the fuck"?and most of the time for some reason the tour manager is in the first taxi with the directions and he is the only one that speaks Chinese, fucking smart , no ?
Lenny and Gabe killing time on the train
      In China when your touring they basically give you nothing. A rider , now that's funny. No hotel or house, no dinner, no food, no backstage, no beer for the band, ( we started to just bring our own beers ) you have to pay for everything. Even though it's super cheap it will suck up all your money. Since there is no companies that rent backline you have to use whatever equipment they have at the venue. It's always shit , cheap Chinese amps you've never heard of or like "heavey metal"Marshall amps that suck. The drums are always shit and broken so you have to fix them and try to find a floor tom or a symbol stand. It's like building a "Frankenstein". Usually the owner is the booker, the barman, the doorman, and the sound man. Notice how I put sound man last. Here's a typical day, get everyone together at the shitty hotel get the cabs, go to the train station, buy the tickets, wait around in the station with all the other huddling masses , which have no problem just starring at you for like 5 min. It's like "can I help you"? Then you gota do the "Road Warrior" thing to board the train. We learned real quick to try and get to your cabin first so you would have somewhere to put your guitar case and luggage, because the cabins have very limited space and you don't want to have to keep your shit on your bunk. Now you have to take a 10 hour train ride, ( China is fucking huge ) Then when you arrive to your destination you have to do the whole "Road Warrior" thing again, Then the whole taxi convoy thing and try and find the club, which you never can. It's like playing the "Lotto" seeing if everybody is going to make it to the same destination. You usually arrive at the club at 8:00. You have to fix the gear or find something that works so now you only have time to do a line check because they want you to start playing at 9:00 because there's some kind of curfew and you have to stop by 11:00. And at 11, I mean everyone splits, it's not like people are hanging out and stuff I mean everyone is just gone. It's kind of strange. This was the the first time ever on a tour that I had been back at the hotel and in the bed by 12:00. We would usually get some noodles and some warm beers, ( it's kind of hard to find cold beers at most places do to the fact that they can't afford a refrigeration machine or an ice machine) and go back to the room. Take a couple of diazepan and watch our favorite Chinese TV show. It's like this dumb dance contest show, with like cheerleaders and Hip-hop dancers . The reason we liked the show was because of the name it was called, "Come Dancing", but they spelled it "Cum Dancing". It was pretty funny. The television is under government control so I guess that's the closet thing they have to porn. 

****************************************************** To be continued . . .
                                                
                                                                                                                   *** Leighton Koizumi
Nic and Lenny on the way to the gig

1 comment:

  1. for more info on touring china (or the rest of asia) - check out the Australasia DIY Tour Circuit site (http://tenzenmen.com/forums/)

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